If you watched the amazing, epic, event-tacular trailer for Season 4 of Game Of Thrones this morning you might be wondering what exactly happened at the end of Season 3 since it was quite a lot time ago in ‘TV watching time’.

So I thought I’d write a quick guide to where everyone was last time we saw them in the gloriously blood-soaked kingdom of Westeros.

Daenerys: After burning Astapor to the ground and acquiring a sizeable army of penis-less soldiers, Dany managed to free slaves, sack cities and win considerable support in S3. In the season finale, her men managed to overthrow Yunkai, the second of three cities in the belt known as Slaver’s Bay.

Status: Feeling quite loved because she’s styling herself as the queen of Yunkai, but also because the slaves call her ‘mother’ which is quite nice.

Jon Snow: After pretending to join the Wildling’s and turning his back on the wall, Jon Snow had sex in a cave and wrestled with both his conscience and his teenage libido in Season 3. Eventually, after scaling the wall, he showed his true colours and turned on the savages again, only to end up with an arrow in his leg. He arrived back at the wall, bloody, exhausted, and with an impending attack to contend with.

Status: Exhausted and in need of a good lie down but there are a load of savages about to rip his face off, and everyone at the Wall think he willingly left them to be a Wilding so good luck getting anyone to trust you, Jon.

Sansa Stark: Poor Sansa was dumped by Joffrey at the end of Season 2 as the Lannisters forged a new alliance with the Tyrells and he was promised to Margaery. Sansa was then caught between marrying Loras, the handsome knight of flowers, or joining Littlefinger on a secret mission, and in the end managed to get neither, after Tywin interfered and married her to Tyrion. Sansa is pretty bummed out about being married to a grotesque imp, especially given his family ordered the massacre of most of Sansa’s northern family, too. Poor Sansa.

Status: She has virtually no family left, thinking Arya, Bran and Rickon are dead and knowing Catelyn, Robb and Ned are. BUT she has a shiny new husband. So, you know.

Arya Stark: Arya ran from the Brotherhood Without Banners (aka Westeros’s hippy Greenpeace brigade) only to be kidnapped by The Hound, who took her to The Twins, where her mother and brother were attending a wedding. Luckily for Arya, she wasn’t anywhere near the wedding when the Northerners were brutally slaughtered, but the downside is that Arya thinks most of her family are now dead. Christ. Anyway she bumps into some Freys on the road and releases her inner psychotic nutter by brutally stabbing them. Amazing.

Status: An extreme version of getting out of bed on a Monday and stepping on a plug with your bare foot.

Theon Greyjoy: Theon spent most of Season 3 naked, crying, and covered in his own blood. In the finale it was revealed his torturer was none other than Ramsay Bolton, the son of Roose, the man who helped backstab the Starks at the Red Wedding. Ramsey also cut off Theon’s penis and administers enough psychological warfare on the boy for him to think his name is actually Reek.

Status: Physically and mentally damaged, unpleasant smell.

Stannis Baratheon: Stannis has decided that the war between the five kings is useless if nobody is going to do anything about The Wall being attacked. So it sounds like he might be making a trip up north with Mellisandre,

Status: Trying to win people’s respect. Failing. Having to go up North despite not really wanting to.

Joffrey/The Lannisters and other people in the Capital: Joffrey is preparing for his marriage to Margery Tyrell, but is still being a little shit to his grandfather Tywin. Cersei is quite happy the Starks are all but dead, and Jaime and Brienne have returned from captivity with three arms between them.

Status: Happy (Starks mainly dead, impending wedding, lots of gold)

Bran: Bran continued getting a piggyback from Hodor, with his group of Meera, Jojen and Hodor saying goodbye to Osha, his carer and the youngest Stark, Rikon. They decided to split up because it was safer or something but mainly because they split up in the books. Bran met Sam, and he led them through the wall to the Northern Reaches, where they are searching for the 3 Eyed Crow. Nope, I don’t know either.

Status: Bored, probably.

You can see the trailer here:

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